I like Atlanta and I think that if people had the chance to see what I see, they too might call Atlanta their favorite southeastern city with a population over four million.
Of course there is only text here since I forget to take the camera with me to work, plus last time I tried it I almost rear-ended the person I was trying to photograph. Fortunately, rear-ending is a popular Atlanta activity.
There are plenty of touristy things that the ATL is, or should be, famous for. Here I list a few.
Landmarks
The Big Chicken
This is really in Marietta, but since pretty much everything within thirty miles of I-285 is considered Atlanta, I think
I can get away with it. I used to live pretty close to The
Big Chicken and, like the web site says, I had to give people directions using The Chicken. This is really only
useful for people who don't know how to get to Marietta, but still. It might look like a simple roadside attraction in
the pictures, but trust me: the moment you first see those giant rotating eyes and gasping-for-air beak in person, you
will be changed forever.
The Fabulous Fox Theatre
I had forgotten all about this until I went to see The Magic Flute. I have been to
The Fox a few times, but it had been
a while, otherwise I would have written about it. It's more-or-less a richly-decorated Shriner Temple that looks like
something out of an Arabian/Egyptian fantasy. I'd love to describe it better, but I can't. There is a
The Fabulous Fox Theatre in St. Louis, and one somewhere in
Detroit. The one in Atlanta is
better, of course, because it started out as a Yaarab Shrine,
and because it somehow managed to avoid being demolished to make way for a BellSouth parking deck.
The Coca-Cola Company
I have to say this is my favorite since this is where I get my paycheck. When I tell people I work for Coca-Cola, they
either ask if I drive a truck or if I work at The World of Coca-Cola. I then have to explain to them that I work at the
global HQ of The Coca-Cola Company and all we make is syrup and concentrate. The bottlers are the ones with the trucks. Somewhere in
that sentence is when most people lose interest in our three-tier distribution system.
The Varsity
To my shame, I have only eaten there once and I can almost see it from my building. It is the largest drive-in in the
world and sells the most of all the stuff it sells, such as Coke, hotdogs and onion rings. It has a couple of branches
out in the suburbs but for the real experience you have to go to the original, massive one at North Avenue and Spring
Street. A thumbs-up from Bill Clinton.
Stone Mountain
A great place to play golf, do some hiking, ride an antique steam train, and pay homage to your
Confederate heroes.
Special events to grace the giant granite lump include the Highland Games and the Chili Cook-off. Defying the physical
laws of the known universe is the 4D
Theatre. I think it is also a National Laser Show Preserve. The best thing about
playing golf at Stone Mountain is the way the balls bounce when they land on the exposed granite, with the ruined
quarry a close second. There used to be a life form unique to the top of the mountain, until all the kids pissed in their
delicate ecosystems and killed them all. That's probably fine because I think it was a form of mosquito.
Lakewood Ampitheater
Used to be The Coca-Cola Lakewood Ampitheater, now it's HiFi Buys. It's where the larger shows such as Jimmy Buffet
play. Except that Buffet is playing the Phil this time. That sounds awful. No lawn to soak up the puke. On the other
hand, in an enclosed space like that you have a good chance of getting high for free.
Centennial Olympic Park
The Olympics are long gone but the skid marks are still here. Now the bums have a nice scenic place in which to threaten
your life in exchange for cash. I'm not sure where the bomb went off since I try not to slow down in that area.
Sports Arenas
A mandatory attraction, you have to visit one of them: the Ted, the Phil or the George.
Phillips Arena (the Phil)
and the Georgia Dome (the George) are within view of my desk, but
Turner Field
is in a much worse part of town. Plus
the Braves suck ass, so only go if you want to say you paid $11 for a beer. The Falcons are now owned by Arthur Blank
who is bringing some much-needed business sense from his little Home Depot startup, and I just have to root for the
Thrashers. The Hawks... bleh.
The Home Depot
This Atlanta-based company also uses the RS6000 servers which I support, however they didn't hire me. That's fine with
me, Coke's datacenter is much bigger and better anyway, and Coke is a much better (and richer) company. So nyah!
Delta Airlines
Previously just a local embarassment, the whole airline industry is in the toilet and Delta is right there with them.
I'd say you should check them out while you are here except that if you fly anywhere you probably have a layover at
Hartsfield International anyway, so what's the point?
Driving
It's important to know how to drive in the ATL. Primarily because while we technically do have mass transit it has the unfortunate property of not being able to take you where you want to go when you want to go. For one thing, MARTA shuts down in the evening. Even during the Olympics, the trains stopped running at around 0100. All the people from real cities were surprised by that one, I'll tell you. Just remember that Atlanta is more of a big town than a city.
Lane choice
This is one of the first things you need to know when visiting the ATL. In other places, slow people stay in the right
lanes and allow the faster vehicles to use the left lanes. Here the thing to do is find someone else that is also
going under the speed limit, get next to them and pace them, thereby blocking people with lives and responsibities from
getting where they are going in a reasonable amount of time.
Interstate usage
This city is not as bad as some others, such as Boston, LA or DC, but traffic is getting worse all the time. This is
partly because of the new people moving here and the consequence is that everyone takes the big road everywhere. One
tip I have for you is to stay off of any interstate during the rush hours. Not only is it often faster, usually it is
much safer, which brings me to the next point.
Finding your exit
Even though this city is ripe with assholes and morons who like to clog up the left lanes while not actually moving
any faster than the rest of the traffic, it is usually in your benefit to move over to the left anyway. Since the
newcomers don't know their way around, and they assume the left lane is faster so they move over there, and since they
actually drive slowly because they are totally lost, they cause large backups on the interstates. Once they see their
exit, it's like a game of Frogger where they cut across five lanes of traffic that they helped to accumulate.
I try to get between these people and their exit as much as possible.
White vans with ladders
You are going to want to avoid these guys, particularly the dirty white vans with more than six ladders on top. If you
get tapped by one of these, don't bother stopping because the immigrant driving the van sure won't. Don't follow looking
for revenge, either, since you'll end up somewhere you don't want to be, plus you will be in danger of having a ladder
slip off while you are following him. You can't complain too much since immigrant labor is what keeps Atlanta's economy
above average, but be sure to avoid them on the road. A similar vehicle is the white pickup truck, the only difference
being that this driver is probably white, drunk, and running late. This guy might stop if he hits you, but has a higher
chance of outright killing you in the accident.
Personal Favorites
I spend a little bit of time in the city, mainly looking for decent places to get a meal. Some people think this is a waste since there is an incredibly large cafeteria on the corporate campus, however the prices are rising, the food is sub-standard, and sometimes you just have to take advantage of the fact you are in the city.
Cajun Kitchen/Somber Reptile
One of my favorite places to eat lunch for a few reasons. First of all, it is a mere block from my parking deck exit.
They also have decent beer and decent service, plus I have become a bit of a fixture there.
Rocky Mountain Pizza
A great place to get a pizza or calzone and some beer. They have a Newcastle special and also have some cider for those
of you who like that sort of thing. The difficult part is getting a parking spot because it is adjacent to the Georgia
Tech campus. If you are charming, like me, you might be able to grab the remote.